Since you’ve been gone, today has been one of the hardest so far.
Work delivered one of those days when everything went wrong. The database fell over, people were not where they should have been, no one seemed to have the wit to understand how to do their job, and I was left trying to stick all the renegade parts together and make some sense of it all. I didn’t enjoy it.
As you knew, there are lots of days like today. But today won the trophy for being the worst of the worst. It made me want to walk out and not go back. But did I do that? No. I stuck that ‘fake it til you make it’ smile on my face and just got on with it.
I remember how we always took comfort in not having to pretend with each other. No matter how we had to appear for the sake of others, we could tell it like it is and know that we would not be judged. There would always be support and that ‘I’ve got your back’ scenario that got us both through the crappiest times.
And now. I have no one to tell.
Today. In the middle of the busiest day, surrounded by people – I was lonely.
I can’t start pretending to you now. Even though you’re not here anymore. I can’t start pretending to you now. Even though you’re not there to listen. I can’t start pretending to you now. Even though the silence that returns to me is as painful as it is deafening. I can’t start pretending to you now.