Thought For the Day

Since you’ve been gone, I’ve not given up overthinking.

Did you think I might? You should know me better by now.

I’m not a complete sucker for the inspirational quotes that have flooded the world since the advent of the internet. My interest in them is passing, and only occasionally am I sufficiently struck by the amateur philosophy that clutters my various news feeds, that I am moved to ‘share’ it.

There are those who seem to spend their whole online existence posting endless quotable quotes, meaningful memes and inspirational inserts, that you might wonder whether they are human, or one of those bots that websites try to catch out with random captchas to make sure they are actually a person. I have to admit, it can be a little tiresome. Not to mention surreal. Can you imagine having a coffee with a friend and instead of conversation, have them recite a series of unrelated passages from random sources? Mad.

Yet even as I say that, I am mentally chastising myself. After all, much, if not all, of what we enjoy in popular culture is trying to deliver a message. We don’t hesitate to recommend a book we have enjoyed. And lyrics to our favourite songs inspire us to tell all who will listen what they mean to us. Indeed, I remember countless conversations we had that literally revolved – and evolved – around songs and how they spoke to our innermost thoughts and feelings. So to dismiss these sound bites so readily smacks a little of snobbery. Bottom line, if it means something to someone, why shouldn’t they spread the love?

Recently, I am looking for meaning in everything. But trying to fill a huge void that refuses to be anything other than empty is no mean feat. And in the words of Mick Jagger, I can’t get no satisfaction. So maybe I can be forgiven for being more than usually drawn to the quotes that tug on my emotions as they scroll past my eyes.

The one above struck a chord with me today. If you find someone who will be there through the worst of times, as well as the good – that is something precious and should not be quickly discarded. And if they must be discarded, remember that those who truly care will still be there, where you left them, whenever they are needed. Of course, everyone has the choice to walk away. But choosing to care, despite the circumstances, is a rare thing indeed.

I choose to care.

Stay gold.

The Calling Card

Who I am and what I’m worth
Came calling by today
Reminding me to dim my lights
And keep my dreams at bay
The mirror that they held in place
Showed just how much you care
And how my foolish secret hopes
Are so empty and unfair

I only have myself to blame
For letting my thoughts stray
The truth was always plain to see
And never far away
But this still twists my heart in knots
And pains my very core
Yet I would do it all again
If you wanted me once more

This is the sad pathetic fact
Of what I feel for you
You only have to ask of me
And anything I’d do
But knowing you won’t need to call
Or seek my company
Leaves me lost and inside-out
And to never more be free

It’s Not Just

It’s not just that you’re gone
So completely withdrawn
Turned off and moved on

It’s not just that it’s done
That its course has been run
And my presence you shun

It’s not just that this hole
Almost swallows me whole
Pain consuming my soul

It’s not just that I’ve died
And want only to hide
In the tears I have cried

All these things and much more
Rendered lost and unsure
I battle to endure

It’s Been a Hard Day’s Night/ Day/ Week/ Fortnight/Month…

Since you’ve been gone, today has been one of the hardest so far.

Work delivered one of those days when everything went wrong. The database fell over, people were not where they should have been, no one seemed to have the wit to understand how to do their job, and I was left trying to stick all the renegade parts together and make some sense of it all. I didn’t enjoy it.

As you knew, there are lots of days like today. But today won the trophy for being the worst of the worst. It made me want to walk out and not go back. But did I do that? No. I stuck that ‘fake it til you make it’ smile on my face and just got on with it.

I remember how we always took comfort in not having to pretend with each other. No matter how we had to appear for the sake of others, we could tell it like it is and know that we would not be judged. There would always be support and that ‘I’ve got your back’ scenario that got us both through the crappiest times.

And now. I have no one to tell.

Today. In the middle of the busiest day, surrounded by people – I was lonely.

I can’t start pretending to you now. Even though you’re not here anymore. I can’t start pretending to you now. Even though you’re not there to listen. I can’t start pretending to you now. Even though the silence that returns to me is as painful as it is deafening. I can’t start pretending to you now.

Stay gold.

Broken

Since you’ve been gone, there have been a lot of empty hours.

It’s funny how a person can be busy – have lots to think about and be occupied by – but still have time to spend every minute of every day feeling lonely and lost. It’s like a massive contradiction, an oxymoron of epic proportions. And if you ask me, it’s kinda unfair. There should be some kind of respite, right? There should be something to do, or somewhere to go, that will mean the pain will stop for a while. But there’s just nowhere to hide.

I miss you with everything that makes me the person I am. The good person and the bad person. I miss you with every beat of my heart and every breath that I take. I miss you in my private moments, and in the midst of my public life. One day, perhaps in a hundred years or so, I’ll stop missing you. But in the meantime…

My feelings are broken
And it hurts
Just like I always knew it would
The shards are in splinters in a place just out of reach
So that I can’t pick them up
And nurse them back to health
They just lay there
Taunting me with their jagged edges
And jaded misery

My feelings are broken
And it hurts
Just like I always knew it would
And each breath that I take is like glass mixed with pins in my throat
So that living is painful
And each step a mountain
Hard to master
Making the oxygen harder to come by
A waking misery

My feelings are broken
And it hurts
Just like I always knew it would
There’s a huge leaden weight inside my chest that pulls me down
Laying burden upon burden
Keeping me pinned under
Stifling all hope
Reminding me that the fault is all mine
A constant misery

 

There It Was – Gone

Since you’ve been gone, today has been so empty.

Everywhere I look, I expect to see her, curled up in the corner, or sitting with her ears pricked up as she watches the squirrels in the garden. No more do I have to step over her as I go to draw the curtains, or have to ignore her pleading eyes as she watches me eat.

I didn’t have to go out in the rain today, or undertake the wet dog challenge upon returning home. I didn’t see her lopsided smile, tongue lolling out of her mouth, as she bounds in from the garden and gallops, literally horse-like, to the kitchen for a long drink.

A submissive underbelly was not presented to me for stroking. Nor was there a persistent nuzzle against my hand, requesting – no, demanding – to be loved.

There’s no comforting figure asleep on the floor beside my bed, and the gentle sound of her dog tag tinkling against her collar as she shakes herself – that’s gone too.

I can’t stop thinking about where she is and what she’s doing, and can only hope that she doesn’t feel as desolate as me. I hope she finds a wonderful owner soon. One who deserves her. Not me. Not a failure.

None of these feelings are new to me. This is just another loss adjustment that I will have to make. One day something is there, something I love and in which I find much pleasure and fulfilment. And the next, it is gone. Perhaps there is a lesson in all of this. A truth that I must learn. But for now, all I know for certain is that I miss, with a great, deep, yearning ache, how it used to be, and I mourn for what once was.