The Calling Card

Who I am and what I’m worth
Came calling by today
Reminding me to dim my lights
And keep my dreams at bay
The mirror that they held in place
Showed just how much you care
And how my foolish secret hopes
Are so empty and unfair

I only have myself to blame
For letting my thoughts stray
The truth was always plain to see
And never far away
But this still twists my heart in knots
And pains my very core
Yet I would do it all again
If you wanted me once more

This is the sad pathetic fact
Of what I feel for you
You only have to ask of me
And anything I’d do
But knowing you won’t need to call
Or seek my company
Leaves me lost and inside-out
And to never more be free

It’s Not Just

It’s not just that you’re gone
So completely withdrawn
Turned off and moved on

It’s not just that it’s done
That its course has been run
And my presence you shun

It’s not just that this hole
Almost swallows me whole
Pain consuming my soul

It’s not just that I’ve died
And want only to hide
In the tears I have cried

All these things and much more
Rendered lost and unsure
I battle to endure

Message Memories

I used to rush each morning
Were there messages to see?
Had you had a thought-wave you were keen to share with me?
I used to hold my breath until the screen displayed your name
And smile a kilo wattage grin
When you wanted me the same

I used to check so often
Had you something else to say?
Was there music you had written before time got in the way?
I used to hope and cross my heart in superstitious lark
And have my heart leap in my chest
When you had left your mark

I used to wait each evening
Would you come and chat awhile?
To tell me of your day and ask what happened throughout mine?
I used to relish the pure joy of time spent with my friend
And never thought that one day
It would all come to an end

I’ll always long to see you
Will you have a change of heart?
Will everything we had convince you that we shouldn’t part?
I still search for the words to pop up on my mobile phone
Telling me you miss me
And no more I’ll be alone.

The Science of Tears

Since you’ve been gone, I’ve been doing a lot of crying.

And then I got to thinking about tears.

Apparently, there are three categories of tears. According to Wikipedia, these are:

1 – Basal tears. In healthy mammalian eyes, the cornea is continually kept wet and nourished by basal tears. They lubricate the eye, and help to keep it clear of dust.

2 – Reflex tears. The second type of tears results from irritation of the eye by foreign particles, or from the presence of irritant substances. It can also occur with bright light and hot or peppery stimuli to the tongue and mouth. It is also linked with vomiting, coughing and yawning. These reflex tears attempt to wash out irritants that may have come into contact with the eye.

3 – Psychic tears. The third category, in general, referred to as crying or weeping, is increased tearing due to strong emotional stress, pleasure, anger, suffering, mourning, or physical pain. Interestingly, these tears are also very closely linked to the limbic system, because this system is involved in the production of basic emotional drives, such as anger and fear. Or to put it plainly – survival. I’m no neuroscientist, but I think one reason we cry psychic tears when we are in emotional pain is that we feel like we are dying inside, and therefore, our limbic system kicks in and starts shouting that our survival is in doubt. It’s fascinating, isn’t it. Way beyond my ken, I’m afraid. But a very small corner of my understanding really does get basic principle of how the limbic system works. And mine has certainly had good reason to be in overdrive.

Tears are good for you. The first two categories of tears serve to help to maintain healthy eyes. Some people have trouble producing tears and end up having to buy them over the counter in small expensive bottles. I don’t seem to have that problem. In fact, I can produce so many, I could probably bottle them myself, stick a fancy label on them, and make a fortune. But maybe that project is for another day.

As for the third category, I wonder whether these tears are also designed to help to cleanse us from the pain we are experiencing, whether that be emotional or physical. Apparently, emotional tears contain hormones that act as a natural painkiller, which goes some way to explaining why people can feel better after a good cry.

I wish I could feel better. I’m not sure I’m getting enough of those feel better hormones. Oh yes, I think I have all sorts of other hormones in super abundance. Hormones I could really do with settling down and leaving me alone. But the ones that might help? I think they might be having some sort of holiday, because nothing’s helping. Nothing. There is only wretchedness. And while I can look to the future and see all sorts of things to keep me busy, make me smile and even offer short term happiness – everything is blanketed in a thick layer of grief. And tears.

Stay gold.

Tears Before Bedtime

Since you’ve been gone, today has been very difficult.

I guess the fact that sleep wasn’t much of a thing last night, set the day off on the wrong foot. But although the sun kept shining, there was no feeling of hope or optimism, and it’s not just me who seems to be in the doldrums.

Number 4 has had a very hard day. She was brave enough to initiate a conversation that was never going to be easy for her – and for which I applaud her. But it has set off a chain of upset and I think most of us in the house will have had tears before bedtime.

Which doesn’t really help the butterflies that have been gathering in my stomach all day long. I am looking forward to tomorrow. I really am. But I’m also not. As usual, I am a catalogue of contradictions. If I live to be 150, I think I will ever be thus.

Ah well. At least I’m honest about it.

Stay gold.